Our frozen embryo cycle has come to an end with a negative outcome. Unfortunately our little frostie didn't result in a pregnancy.
I woke up yesterday after having an extremely vivid dream.
In the dream I was at the clinic and my fertility specialist was running tests to find out if I was pregnant or not.
She walked into her room where I was waiting for the results and oddly she was crying. She handed me a piece of paper and in huge black writing were the letters BFN. (BFN stands for big fat negative, a term that is used on pregnancy forums when someone does a pregnancy test and gets a negative result).
In the dream those letters just kept flashing and in the background I could see Andrew breaking down, and then I pretty much woke up.
As soon as I woke I just knew in my heart that I wasn't pregnant. Up until then I hadn't lost any hope but somehow after that dream I just knew it was over.
I told Andrew after I'd gotten up that I was pretty sure I was going to get my period soon and that we need to figure out how we will pay for the next cycle.
I am so glad I had that dream, because if we had waited until Friday for the blood test results then it would have been too late to get the money together and we would have missed out on doing another cycle right away. I truly think that someone was trying to send me a message through that dream so we could get our act together and be prepared for what was to come.
Anyway, I also did a pregnancy test that afternoon to confirm my suspicions , and another this morning. Both were negative. I called the clinic and got my blood test moved forward to today. I didn't see the point in waiting another day and taking all the hormones for no reason.
Surprisingly I'm not too bad. I don't know whether it's because it hasn't set in yet, or because I know there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe preparing myself after last time has also helped.
That being said though, all of this is really taking a lot out of me. It doesn't help when I'm surrounded by pregnant people and people finding out they're pregnant left right and center. It's like god is rubbing it on our faces saying 'haha they have what you want so bad but can't get'. It's bullshit and seems to happen to us at the worst times, but it lets me appreciate just how special that persons baby is. I KNOW how involved even just getting to the pregnant stage is. Hopefully my blog has shown this to some people, allowed them to see just how blessed and fortunate they are and helped give them gift of treasuring every single moment in their child's life even before they are born. Not saying that anyone wouldn't feel like this already, but maybe it's given them that little bit extra when they need it :-)
I can only hope that the next cycle will be our last, I don't know how long we are going to be able to keep funding this. It is fucked up that our dreams are based on how much money we have.
Physically and mentally I have no other choice to keep putting my body through this if we are to get our miracle, I just wish there was some other way that didn't involve pumping me full of hormones and stop me from doing things that help me de-stress like going on long runs!
One day I will find out the reason why this is happening to us, in the mean time all I can do is believe that it is happening for the right reasons, even though that it seems crazy that any of this could possibly be right!
The one thing it has blessed me with though is the security of mine and Andrews relationship, and the belief that we will be able to tackle anything in our relationship after facing IVF. Not many people can say that they have found the love of their life and soul mate, but I know that I have.
And our baby is going to be blessed with a mother and father that planned to bring them onto this planet, and know that they are here for a reason. They will also know that they have a little brother or sister guardian angel watching over them. And a mummy and daddy that have loved them from the day they were just a tiny group of cells forming together!
If that doesn't make for an extremely unique special and lucky child then I don't know what does :-)
This journey is taking a lot longer than what we had originally planned or hoped for, but I guess life's most important journeys do take time, and hell of a lot of strength.
No comments:
Post a Comment