Time for a break :-)

Hiya lovelies :-)

I am just popping in to let you all know that Andrew and I will be taking a break from the IVF over Christmas time.
We will probably get at it again after the new year but in the mean time we are going to enjoy Christmas. This means I can eat what I want, go where I want, and do whatever the hell I want! Running, swimming, laying in the sun, eating out and lots of seafood....yes please :-) Oh, and don't forget, we can now have sex whenever the hell we feel like it! No more timing, or being told when can and can NOT do it. Woohoo ;-)
We will also be taking some time out to make our relationship stronger.
Unfortunately IVF has taken a huge mental toll on Andrew. It has on me as well, but somehow I haven't reached breaking point yet...however I think if we had kept going over Christmas I would have.
Anyways, this break is going to help get my man nice and strong again :-)
It's odd, I always thought I would be the one to crumble, but it just goes to show that this takes as much out of the guys as it does the girls, even if they don't have to endure the physical side of it. I think sometimes the guys can be easily forgotten about because they aren't constantly shoving drugs down their throats or going to appointments every second day.
I know that Andrew is going to get through this though, and he will be stronger than he ever thought he could be once he does.
I think that IVF can either make or break a relationship, the toll it takes on a couple is massive. It really does test your relationship to it's full extent. Trust, support, love, care and commitment..it's all pushed to the limits at some point throughout this treatment. Even after just going through 2 cycles of IVF I feel as though we are coming close to the end of our tether, I know we won't but it makes me understand why couples who have been going through this for a long time, take months off every so often (even when there's no medical reason they need to do so) rather than keep going cycle after cycle.
I'm sure as hell not going to let IVF break us, the only thing I will let it do is make us the couple that has the relationship that everybody envy's!

Anyhow, I saw my fertility specialist yesterday and she told me she wouldn't have let us go into another cycle over Christmas even if we wanted to, she said we aren't allowed to stress or think about IVF at all until we come back to see her next! So that's exactly what I'm gonna try and do :-)
I'm going to be keeping up the acupuncture, continue eating super healthy as though there is already a bub inside and continue taking vitamins. Hopefully it will make for some nice healthy eggs when it comes time again!
So now that all this is settled, it's time to sit back and relax, enjoy our family and friends, yummy food, and have some nice big smiles on our faces! Yay :-) And also remember everything that we already have to be grateful for, that is very important, and we can't let our want of having baby let us forget that.

So this is goodbye until next year, but in the meantime have a very Merry Christmas, and don't get TOO drunk at new years ;-) haha
Love ya's
xoxox

A Pair of Shoes

"A Pair of Shoes" 

I am wearing a pair of shoes. 

They are ugly shoes. 

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes. 

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. 

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. 

Yet, I continue to wear them. 

I get funny looks wearing these shoes. 

They are looks of sympathy. 

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. 

They never talk about my shoes. 

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. 

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. 

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. 

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. 

There are many pairs in this world. 

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. 

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. 

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. 

No woman deserves to wear these shoes. 

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. 

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. 

They have made me who I am. 

Author Unknown 

Message in a dream

I wish I was writing this blog today with good news but unfortunately I'm not.
Our frozen embryo cycle has come to an end with a negative outcome. Unfortunately our little frostie didn't result in a pregnancy.

I woke up yesterday after having an extremely vivid dream.
In the dream I was at the clinic and my fertility specialist was running tests to find out if I was pregnant or not.
She walked into her room where I was waiting for the results and oddly she was crying. She handed me a piece of paper and in huge black writing were the letters BFN. (BFN stands for big fat negative, a term that is used on pregnancy forums when someone does a pregnancy test and gets a negative result).
In the dream those letters just kept flashing and in the background I could see Andrew breaking down, and then I pretty much woke up.
As soon as I woke I just knew in my heart that I wasn't pregnant. Up until then I hadn't lost any hope but somehow after that dream I just knew it was over.
I told Andrew after I'd gotten up that I was pretty sure I was going to get my period soon and that we need to figure out how we will pay for the next cycle.
I am so glad I had that dream, because if we had waited until Friday for the blood test results then it would have been too late to get the money together and we would have missed out on doing another cycle right away. I truly think that someone was trying to send me a message through that dream so we could get our act together and be prepared for what was to come.
Anyway, I also did a pregnancy test that afternoon to confirm my suspicions , and another this morning. Both were negative. I called the clinic and got my blood test moved forward to today. I didn't see the point in waiting another day and taking all the hormones for no reason.

Surprisingly I'm not too bad. I don't know whether it's because it hasn't set in yet, or because I know there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe preparing myself after last time has also helped.
That being said though, all of this is really taking a lot out of me. It doesn't help when I'm surrounded by pregnant people and people finding out they're pregnant left right and center. It's like god is rubbing it on our faces saying 'haha they have what you want so bad but can't get'. It's bullshit and seems to happen to us at the worst times, but it lets me appreciate just how special that persons baby is. I KNOW how involved even just getting to the pregnant stage is. Hopefully my blog has shown this to some people, allowed them to see just how blessed and fortunate they are and helped give them gift of treasuring every single moment in their child's life even before they are born. Not saying that anyone wouldn't feel like this already, but maybe it's given them that little bit extra when they need it :-)

I can only hope that the next cycle will be our last, I don't know how long we are going to be able to keep funding this. It is fucked up that our dreams are based on how much money we have.
Physically and mentally I have no other choice to keep putting my body through this if we are to get our miracle, I just wish there was some other way that didn't involve pumping me full of hormones and stop me from doing things that help me de-stress like going on long runs!

One day I will find out the reason why this is happening to us, in the mean time all I can do is believe that it is happening for the right reasons, even though that it seems crazy that any of this could possibly be right!
The one thing it has blessed me with though is the security of mine and Andrews relationship, and the belief that we will be able to tackle anything in our relationship after facing IVF. Not many people can say that they have found the love of their life and soul mate, but I know that I have.
And our baby is going to be blessed with a mother and father that planned to bring them onto this planet, and know that they are here for a reason. They will also know that they have a little brother or sister guardian angel watching over them. And a mummy and daddy that have loved them from the day they were just a tiny group of cells forming together!
If that doesn't make for an extremely unique special and lucky child then I don't know what does :-)

This journey is taking a lot longer than what we had originally planned or hoped for, but I guess life's most important journeys do take time, and hell of a lot of strength.

Our frostie baby and the two week wait

Hey everybody :-)

It's been awhile since I wrote so thought I might make a quick update.
Last Monday we had our frozen embryo transfer, and yup the little frostie survived the thaw!!! This embryo is a real little fighter, not many embryos make it to blastocysts, survive freezing and THEN thawing. Not to mention they didn't even think this embryo would make it past day 1! So very proud of our lil bubsicle ;-) We were told that it was still in good condition, and they used assisted hatching on it (once an embryo has been frozen and thawed the outer shell that it's need to come out of so it can implant can sometimes get thicker, so they can help it along with assisted hatching). Our lil bub was already starting to hatch before transfer which was great! 

I still have a bit to wait until my first blood test, and let me tell you, this wait is absolute TORTURE. I thought that it would be easier this time round but it is way harder. Andrew has said no home pregnancy tests this time round either, so holding out and not doing one is driving me crazy!!!
I can't really comment on the symptoms I'm having, they are definitely there, but I am on so many hormone drugs at the moment (more than last time) there is no way of telling what's real and what isn't. 
I had to drop into the clinic yesterday to pick up more meds and I saw my nurse and she said I already the same amount of hormones running through me as a woman who is 3 months pregnant would have! 
That's probably the thing I hate most about this whole process is all the drugs. I wish I was able to just let my body be pregnant naturally and produce its own hormones and not have added ones as well.
The only positive about the drugs is I actually HAVE boobs now lol 

The hardest thing about the two week wait is trying to keep your hopes up and stay positive but also be prepared for the worst. It's a very fine balance. I know that frozen embryos have a slightly lower chance of resulting in a pregnancy, but what I'm really scared of is losing another baby. I don't think anything can prepare you for that, but at least now I'm not completely naive to it.
On the other hand I know that our embryo was in great condition, and I've done everything I can to make my body healthy for this baby. 

So there is still no sign of my period (thank god) which means we're still definitely in the running! Just gotta wait it out....thankfully I went and bought a whole heap of dvds to distract me for this week...last week I finished a 900 page book lol I hate sitting around on my ass doing nothing but I'm not taking any risks over exerting myself! My acupuncturist told me take it as easy as possible so that's exactly what I'm doing :-)

Wish us luck and keep us in your prayers <3
Take care everyone xoxox

Our lil frostie

time goes on, and so we continue on our journey...

Heya everybody :-)
Well, it has been a few weeks since I have written here. I was unsure as to whether or not I would continue this blog as Andrew and I continue on with IVF. Mostly due to the fact that one of the hardest factors about our miscarriage was having to break the horrible news to everyone. But that being said, I don't think I would have gotten through as well as I did without this blog to vent my feelings, and all the love and support I received before and after what happened with our first cycle. I also feel that in years to come this is something that I am going to want to look back on, especially in times when I need that lil bit of extra strength to keep on going....
So with all that taken into consideration I have finally decided to keep writing :-)

After Andrew and I got our tattoos I think I felt a great sense of closure and was ready to move on. It was kind of like saying goodbye, although I know I will never forget, and I am very happy to have something permanently attached to me that will remind me of our little one for the rest of my life.
I think I was very naive as to what could happen going through all this and was not prepared for it at all, but now I am ready for whatever gets thrown our way, good or bad. Or at least I like to think I'm ready! I doubt it will ever get easier if we have to keep having bad news, but at least now I know what to expect if that makes sense....

As for whats happening with IVF at the moment, well, as you may remember we have one little embryo (a 5 day blastocyst) that was able to be frozen. And guess what, it's getting implanted in me this Monday!
Very exciting.
When I first had the miscarriage I didn't think I would be mentally strong enough to go straight into another cycle, I thought I would at least need a month off. But I surprised myself, and now here we are!
After seeing my specialist for the first time after the loss (whom I'm adore because she is so committed and lovely!) I think I felt a lot more at ease cause at least I had some answers as to why things went wrong, and was assured that all hope wasn't lost, and the fact that I actually fell pregnant to start with is a very good sign!
This cycle has been so much more relaxed (physically). I have only had to visit the clinic twice and have 2 scans. The first scan I started a drug called Progynova which is basically estrogen and I take it three times a day. It helps to thicken up the lining of the uterus....and then my last scan which was last Wednesday I have started these disgusting progesterone pessaries...exactly the same thing as the crinone gel I had to use last time..not sure why my specialist decided to swap..I think they end up being cheaper? Which is good cause for $100 a pop and having to use them right until the end of the first trimester I will take the cheapest thing!
Anyhow, frozen embryo transfer cycles are kind of confusing....I won't ovulate this cycle but those drugs I just mentioned make my uterus nice and cosy for an embryo to implant into and trick my body into thinking it's time to fall pregnant.
I have also been told my acupuncturist and my specialist that because I have just been pregnant my body is in "baby mode" so that's a really good thing, and hopefully means the embryo will stick.
Our only real concerns at this time are our embryo surviving the thaw on Monday, and then after that hoping that this embryo doesn't have the same chromosome problems with it as the last one did.

I could go on forever about all this but I won't...it's confusing enough for me to hear when I'm going through it myself let alone me trying to explain it to others lol
I still have a lot of hope for this cycle, but at the same time I'm not going to beat myself up if something does go wrong or if I don't fall pregnant. I am now FULLY aware that there is many areas for things to go belly up with IVF, and dwelling on it doesn't help in the slightest. We are just going to keep fighting for this until we get it.
When you have never been more sure about anything in your entire life, there's no time for second guessing or doubting yourself. You can't ever give up on your dreams.

Take care everyone,
I will let you know how it all goes on Monday :-)
xxxx

P.s In other news, my beautiful fiancee Andrew got accepted into the army!!! He goes away for his basic training for 3 months in Feb next year! Very exciting... just thought I'd share cause I'm so extremely proud of him! :-)