The final chapter of our first IVF/ICSI cycle

For our Little One

A Rose is the the birth flower for June which is when you would have came into this world. We know you would have been amazingly beautiful, but like this rose you were not able to bloom and show the world your full potential. The stem of my rose is like butterfly wings which is the symbol for unborn babies flying to heaven. I know you are up there watching over us.

Now you will always be by my side Little One. Never forgotten and forever loved ♥

Hilary

Andrew

In loving memory

Today Andrew I decided to go and make a teddy for our angel baby. We will keep it forever, and it will never be too far from us. It has two love hearts inside it. We were each told to hold the heart and make a wish before placing it inside. I am sure you can all imagine what we wished for.
A lot of love, hope, courage, and faith went into making this teddy. It is a simple gesture but I believe it is symbol of the love we had for our baby the short time they were with us. And I think when times get tough, when we look at this teddy it will remind us of what we have been through and that we will be able to get through anything.
I am feeling ever so slightly better today. I went for a run this morning, and while it may be a stupid thing to do to my body at this time, it was something I had to do to clear my head and go through my thoughts. I feel so free when I am running. I felt better afterwards, and funnily enough, that is when I started to miscarry.
It's like my body wouldn't let it happen until it new my mind was strong enough to handle it.
And I am strong enough to handle it now. It is heartbreaking and painful, but the world goes on and time will heal all wounds. If we stop believing now or just give up then our dreams will never come true.
I know that future is going to hold many more hard times just as difficult as this, life is never easy for anyone, even though it may seem as though many people are so much better off than us right now, it just isn't true. Every persons time will come, and every bad thing that happens is just to test us, and if we get through it then we are rewarded with being better and stronger people.
Anyway, that's what I need to believe in right now. And I know in my heart me and Andrew will hold our miracle soon, we just have to keep fighting.

Mummy and Daddy love you little one, and we know you are out there watching over us and taking care of us now <3 xoxox

A lot can happen in a week....

I am sitting here trying to think about how to start this blog but I really don’t know how to.

I guess I will just have to write what comes to my mind, so excuse me if this all seems a little jumbled. It has been a week since I last wrote here. In that week my entire world has changed. I have changed as a person. And whether or not is has happened for a reason, like everyone keeps telling me it has...only time will prove whether or not that ‘reason’ is good or right... Sunday morning – the happiest I have been in my entire life. Words could not explain the joy and happiness, relief and excitement I was feeling.  The whole night before I was tossing and turning with anxiousness and nerves, knowing what I was going to do in the morning. Knowing that it could possibly be the morning that I would find out if I what me and my fiancée had just been through the last month was all worth it. Of course home pregnancy tests can give off false negatives so I had to reassure myself that if it WAS negative it still wasn’t over until my period showed it’s rude head, or until my blood test on Wednesday confirmed otherwise.  However, low and behold, at about 6.30am in the morning I pee’d on a stick and.....

Our big fat positive...

Well, you can see the result for yourself. After a year of trying, we were finally pregnant. I was in utter shock. I was shaking and when I came into the bedroom to show Andrew the tears of joy started to flow. I honestly didn’t think I would cry, I thought Andrew would be the one to cry since he is better at expressing himself than I am lol But nope, my emotions got the better of me.

I am not sure why I was in so much shock, I think I knew in my gut that I was pregnant, I had been having a lot of symptoms, and I am 99% sure I felt when implantation occurred on Thursday night. I won’t describe it, but when you are so in sync with your body (which you are when going through IVF and trying so hard for a baby) when you feel something that you have never felt before you kind of just know.

The happiest day of my life – Sunday the 16^th of October. We spent it with family having breakfast and lunch and then browsing baby furniture stores. It still felt so surreal that our dream had finally come true and our prayers answers. 

It is true what they say, about some things being TOO good to be true or that all good things come to an end....

The next few days were great, I was feeling pregnancy symptoms and I woke up each morning with a smile on my face, rubbing my tummy and saying good morning to our little miracle. 

When Wednesday morning rocked around I woke feeling different. It was the morning of my blood test to check what my Hcg levels would be. I don’t know how to describe how I felt, but it was just DIFFERENT. In the end I just put it down to nerves. 

Blood test was at 7am. For the entire day all I did was sit by my phone waiting for it to ring, butterflies in my tummy going crazy. I didn’t think I would have been nervous, because the days before I felt so reassured that everything was going to be ok. 

Turns out my nerves were trying to tell me something. 

Nothing could have prepared me for this call. And until I got this call, I never really knew what PAIN or HURT was. Now I do.

The phone rang at 1.30pm. The nurse on the other end spoke to me, her voice sombre. The first thing I thought was that she was about to tell me that I wasn’t pregnant, that the home pregnancy was wrong. But no, what I was about to hear was a million times worse. And let me tell you, I would have preferred for the whole IVF procedure to not have worked than for this to have happened...yes it would be hard...but nowhere near this hard. 

I was indeed pregnant. However my levels of hcg were extremely low. Only 31. At this stage of pregnancy they should be around 100. I was told that it could mean 3 things. The only good thing being that implantation had occurred late and that the levels may be taking a little longer to rise. If this were the case we only had a 15% chance of it being true.

The other two things nearly made me pass out. I was either going to have a miscarriage early on in pregnancy  or, the embryo may have implanted outside the womb causing an ectopic pregnancy, in which case they would have to operate to remove it. I had to have repeat blood test to see if my hcg had doubled or dropped on Friday morning and we would go from there...

As soon as I hung up the phone I knew that our chances of being in that 15% were 0. I knew in my heart that something was wrong and that we were going to lose our baby. Although there was no way I could admit that out loud.

After calling Andrew he left work and came straight home. I was a distraught mess, and I am still angry at myself for being that way when I know Andrew was hurting just as much as me but I could not be strong for him. I have realised what a strong man he truly is these last few days and without him being there I don’t know how I would have ended up on Wednesday. I am honestly the luckiest girl in the entire world to have him by my side. 

Our families were there for us too, telling us to hold onto hope and that we would get through this one way or another. I don’t know how many times I hear ‘don’t give up yet’. But when you already know in your heart what the outcome is going to be it is near impossible to stay strong.

I tried my very hardest to keep a brave a face, and until now I have not admitted that I knew what was going to happen. I couldn’t let Andrew or anyone else know what I knew, because it was important for them to still have hope even if I couldn’t.... 

Thursday seemed to take a year to pass....Friday after my second blood test, waiting for the results, took an eternity. 

I was picking up my little brother when the phone rang.

“Your levels have dropped to 9. We expect you to miscarry on the weekend, I’m so sorry....”

Everything after that was white noise. 

Out of all the emotions I expected to feel, anger was not one of them. But that is how I instantly felt. 

I was angry at God or whatever greater being is out there.

Why are they doing this to us? Are we that bad that we deserve it?
I was angry because of everything my body had gone through, the time, the money...all of these things, just to end up feeling like THIS.

I was angry at myself. And as much I shouldn’t I still can’t help blaming myself either. What had done over the past two weeks to cause this to happen? Did I eat something wrong or lift something to heavy? I was the one carrying this baby, it was MY responsibility to care for it and make sure it survived those 9 months. But I failed. I feel like a failure. And I hate myself for it.

Of course the truth of it all is that there were chromosome abnormalities with the baby, and if it had developed to full term there would have been something seriously wrong with it. I am not stupid, I know that is the truth. But right now I can’t bring myself to believe the truth. 

Our pregnancy was not long. People who don’t go through IVF probably would not even know they are pregnant at this stage. However, like I said in this blogs title, a lot can happen in a week, and that goes for pregnancy too. 5 weeks into pregnancy and our baby was already beginning to develop all of its vital organs.

To me it felt like I had been pregnant since the day I started IVF. Days are longer when you are going through this. Nearly every day is spent anxiously waiting for news on how your body is doing preparing for a baby, and then the week when those embryos aren’t yet inside me but still developing...I was attached to this baby the day I found out that the sperm had fertilised the egg. I don’t know how to explain it but it feels like I have been pregnant a lot longer than what I was actually was. And that is why this is killing me so much.  I don’t know how long it is going to take me or Andrew to get over this, but I know that somehow we have to, because I know that neither of us are able to give up on our dreams. 

Something that I had been blind to before yesterday is that 1 in 4 pregnancy's will end in miscarriage. They are horrifying statistics. And I am petrified of what the future could hold for us.

I wasn’t far in my pregnancy, and I am sure that the further along you are when this happens the harder it would be but that doesn’t make this situation any easier for me.

I honestly never expected to be here writing about this outcome.

The worst that had crossed my mind when Andrew and I begun all this was that the IVF wouldn't work. But as horrible and heart breaking as it is, this is still part of journey....

I can only pray that I won't have to write about it ever again but I know there is a very real chance that some day I may have to.

It has only been a 24 hours that I’ve been told I will miscarry. It has not yet happened, but when it does, I think that is when the grieving will peak, and after we get through that we can move.

We will now have a little angel baby looking over us. Our own guardian angel.  And they will never be forgotten. They were loved from the day we found out that they had started to form and will be loved until the day we die.

I thank them because I know that they are going to make me and Andrew even stronger people, and make us love one another even more. 

Our journey is not over yet, it has only just begun. We still have our little frozen embryo waiting for us, and even if that doesn’t work out, this will still not be over....I won’t let it be over until we are holding our beautiful, healthy little miracle in our arms. 

R.I.P our little dumpling....you are gone but will never be forgotten.

Miscarriage awareness ribbon

Surviving the 2 week wait....past the half way point!

Heya everybody :-)
I am now 6 days past transfer and 11 days past ovulation! And still no sign of AF, thank goodness!
What a horrible torturous six days this has been lol I am happy to say that I only have today, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday to survive through...but we all know that a LOT can happen in a day so I'm certainly not out of the woods yet.
Just secretly though I am feeling a little more positive today because when I did IUI I had gotten my period by morning 11 days past ovulation. No sign of it showing yet!!! Supposedly though it shouldn't really show up until 14 days past ovulation...so maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up until Monday *shrugs*

I have had a lot of potential symptoms these past six days but it pissed me off because how can I know if it is really a symptom or just a side effect of the crinone gel I have to take every day?! grrr.
I had terrible cramps the first day/night of the transfer, but they subsided a lot the next day and now they are just small twinges every now and then.
Two days past transfer and the middle of my back was in horrendous pain, I was in tears it hurt so much. It still hurts now if I sit in the wrong position for too long or stand up for ages but no where near as much as it did the first day. This is one of the signs that is worrying that my period could be on it's way...:-(
What else....I have been very hungry especially when I wake up first thing in the morning. If I don't eat pretty much straight away I have been getting dizzy. I'm also craving salty foods, which is odd for me because I usually have a really big sweet tooth.
My emotions have been all over the shop....around day 2 and 3 I was very upset and not feeling positive about this whole thing at all. Andrew and I ended up having a MASSIVE fight, which I'm sure hasn't helped anything, and I sat a blubbering mess for a good 2 hours or so. I hate crying in front of him but this time I could not stop the tears from coming no matter how hard I tried!
However yesterday I was in a really really happy mood, feeling positive again and don't think I frowned once lol So needless to say that feeling so up and down all the time is driving me a bit loopy....and who knows if it's PMS or pregnancy?! There is just no way to tell.
I wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future or better yet that my tummy was see through so I could see what the hell is going on in there!!! I have been googling everything to do with pregnancy symptoms and everything else related for hours on end each day. I have too much free time on my hands, that's the problem. It was good on Wednesday cause I was back at school teaching and didn't have time to think about any of this!!

Anyhow, I won't go into much about everything else cause like I said this could all just be side effects of the drugs. I have five more days to wait it out and hopefully Wednesday will bring us good news.
Andrew said that he 'knows' I'm pregnant. And he seems pretty sure of himself, but how could he KNOW something like that? And shouldn't I be the one who is feeling something since I'm carrying the child not him?
Oh well.
For once in my life I want him to the be one who is right and not me lol We shall see though.
Send me lots of baby dust, prayers and hopes lovelies!!!!
Hopefully I will be back with GOOD NEWS in a week or so's time *fingers crossed*
xxx

Embryo Transfer!

Today was the BIG day boys and girls :-)
And a very good big day it was too! Everything went amazingly.
We arrived at the clinic on time and the scientist lady spoke with the two of us about how our embryos went over night. My heart was pounding sooooo hard i thought it may burst out my chest but we got the news straight up and both of them made it!!!!!! Immediately my heart rate slowed down and I relaxed. Andrew had the biggest grin on his face hehe.
The embryo that they implanted today had made it blastocyst stage and was already starting to hatch!!! This is really good news as it means that it didn't need any outside assistance from the scientists. The other embryo was also at blastocyst stage which means they are able to try and freeze it!!! Woohoo!!! So if it survives the freezing process, which I'm sure it will, then that means we have ourselves a frostie for the future :-) Absolutely perfect. We couldn't have got any better news than that. And we were told that they were very high quality embryos too!
After talking with the scientist we had to go sit back in the waiting and I needed to drink water so that my bladder was a bit full to make my uterus more visible for the ultrasound when they do transfer. I only had one glass as I already needed to pee badly, and unluckily for me we were waiting in that room for over an hour!!!! There were two other couples before us and it was torture waiting lol not only because we were excited for the transfer to take place but because I was BUSTING as well haha.
Anyway, our time finally came and we got taken into one of the rooms where they do the embryo transfer.
I had to lay down on one of those chairs with my legs up and pants off lol before anything was inserted they did an ultrasound on my tummy and showed me where my uterus was and stuff. The lining was great about 9mm.
I won't go into too much detail of the process of how the transfer works lol but let me say this - the needle was friggen HUGE!!!!!! I nearly screamed lol There was a lot of deep breathing envolved and trying to stay calm! It hurt a bit, a lot more than I expected, but it wasn't unbearable.
Andrew got to hold the ultrasound thing on my tummy, which I think he was very pleased with lol and we were able to see on the screen the embryo being inserted into the uterus. It was like a little white glowing dot.
Honestly, the most amazing experience of my life to date. I could not stop smiling. That was our little baby in there!
Although this whole process is not ideal I feel very special that we get to see our baby at it's absolute earliest stage, and it making it's way to become a fetus. Most people can't say they've been able to experience that!
I know that mine and Andrew's bond with our child is going to be unbelievable.
So after this was all done the lady who did the transfer wished us the best of luck. She was nearly as excited as we were! She said that the transfer went exceptionally well and that she has a very good feeling about it all.
Just the news we wanted to hear! :-)
Andrew took me to acupuncture afterwards and I was able to relax and my therapist did all the points that are needed to help the embryo implant properly.
I feel really good about this. I can not see any reason why anything should go wrong at this point. It is just up to nature to decide now, and I know it is going to give us the baby we want :-)
19th of October is the big day when I have the blood test!!! Just gotta rest up heaps now. Not going to walk around anything for the rest of today or tomorrow and will take it extremely easy until the test. Looking forward to a bit of pampering from Andrew ;-) haha, I've sent him off to get some dvd's to keep me occupied.
Anyway, I'm sure I will be back with more to update in not too long so stay posted! And I leave you with this picture of our future baby! The embryo that was implanted today <3
Thank you all again for your thoughts and everything else xoxoxo

4 days past egg pick up - one bub down :-( but a surprise as well!!!

Oh my god.
This morning has been TORTURE. Basically been pacing the house with my phone in hand waiting for it to ring. 11 o clock and still no word and I'm so impatient by this stage that I just decide to call the clinic myself.
They hadn't checked the embryo's at that stage but said they would then and give me a call back in a few minutes! YAY. So I sit on my bed staring at my phone, and 5 minutes seems to feel like 5 hours lol
I answered the phone before it had barely finished one ring lol
The lady on the other end today sounds a lot happier than the one who called me yesterday which makes me feel a little more relaxed. First up she informs me that there is good and bad news. At this stage my heart is racing a million miles an hour and I'm not sure what to think....
She informs that the 9 cells has gone on to form a morula just like it is meant too and still has no fragmentation. WOOHOO!!!
Very sadly, our other lil embie, the 5 cell, has not made it. He/She stopped growing overnight and has started to deteriorate severely. So this one it is out of the equation completely now :-( 
Apparently, it is very normal for this to happen with embryo's, no matter what the circumstances are, nearly 100% of women will have at least one of their embryo's not make it past day 3. Day 3 is one of the hardest hurdles for embryos to get past as this is when the male chromosomes also kick in and they have to continue making lots more cells to form into a morula. So I was told not to feel too bad about it.
Now after she finishes explaining all this to me, she goes, "I have a little surprise for you as well"
I honestly was not expecting what I heard next.
Apparently, when they first did the fertilisation of all the eggs, there was one egg that seemed very slow to fertilise. They were not sure if it was going to make it or not, but decided they would give it the benefit of the doubt and keep it separately from the two that did make it. Well, for some reason another, probably just to not get our hopes up, they didn't tell us about this extra lil embryo and decided to just watch it and see how it goes.
Turns out this late bloomer has made it to the morula stage as well!!!!!!!
I was gobsmacked. I actually said "Are you being serious?" lol
The lady was very serious indeed.
So while I thought we would be down to our last embryo and everything was completely relying upon it, turns out we have one more lil one as back up!!!! and possibly, if they both survive then a spare one to freeze!!!
I am so over the moon and happy. Really can't believe our luck! Seems that when one bad thing happens then something good happens in return (or sometimes sadly vise versa).
Anyhow, at this stage transfer is all set to go ahead tomorrow. Of course we have to wait and see once we get in there how the embryos are doing but I have a really good feeling that everything is going to go ahead as planned. I know that anything is possible at this stage and things could take a turn for a worse, but I am trying not to dwell upon that. Needless to say I am going to be anxious as ever until tomorrow!
Luckily though I have acupuncture this after so hopefully that will put my nerves at ease a little.
*Sigh*, what a massive week it has been!!! And the scary thing is it's no where NEAR over....I won't be resting easy until we those two pink lines on a test...and then for at least 3 months after that!! Lol.
Be back tomorrow lovelies, don't forget to keep praying for us and keeping your hopes up too!!!! It is working absolute wonders. Thank you thank you thank you!!!

3 days past egg pick, babies are still hanging in there!

Good morning everyone.
Well, I didn't have to wait all day for the call this time! The clinic rang around 9.30am, about an hour after I got up. So good that I haven't spent all day being edgy around my phone lol but now I need to wait ALL day today and who knows how long for tomorrow for the next call!! Ahhhh!!
The news I received was good for one of the embryo's, the 8 cell has now made it to a 9 cell. By day 3 the embryos need to be between 6-8cells. It is also starting to compact, which is also good. Once they start compacting it means they are beginning to turn into the 'morula' stage. Basically once the embryo gets past a certain number of cells, all the cells start to come together and it is harder to count how many cells there are. Doesn't make much sense I know, but so far all good for that lil embie.
The other 4 cell embryo is now a 5 cell. So one cell short of what it should be, but it is still early in the day and has the chance to catch up to what it should be, so fingers crossed.
Neither of the embryos have any fragmentation yet which I am told is good. To try and explain what fragmentation is, basically when cells divide they should divide cleanly. Sometimes though the cells create little 'bubbles' that aren't really cells and they kind of break off when the cells divide. If there is too much fragmentation then it means the cell division isn't going too well and the embryos will end up arresting (stop growing).
So I am extremely thankful none of this is happening yet.
As you can see the information we got today wasn't bad at all. But one of the things that the scientist have told me that I am starting to stress about is that on days 1-3 it is the female chromosomes that help the embryo to grow. By day 3-5 the male chromosomes kick and also assist with the growing. I am freaking out that because Andrews morphology was so slow this could cause the whole process to slow down or stop.
I wish I hadn't found out this bit of information! It is going to drive me crazy!!! Argh.
I guess at least they are being completely honest with us and letting us know everything rather than giving us false hope.
Everyone is still very touch and go at the moment and we just need to take each day as it comes...please keep us in your prayers and hopes still. This isn't any where near over just yet and we need all the faith we can get!
Thank u xxx

2 days past egg pick up and our babies are doing well!!!! :-)

Hellloooo everybody.
Well I am in a MUCH happier mood today!!!
I didn't sleep a wink last night, and have been trying to distract myself all day until I the scientists could ring me.
Went and got my eyebrows and hair done (feel much prettier now lol), so that took up a good portion of the morning. I have been carrying around my phone since I got out of bed this morning, I don't think I have put it down once. I jumped everytime it rung and my heart was racing a million miles an hour.
FINALLY about 20 mins ago I got the call!
Very good news!!!!
Both of the embryos have had the cells 'split', which is what is needed 24 hours after fertilisation. One of the embryos has 4 cells, the other is doing exceptionally well and has a whopping 8 cells!!
Now, on day 2 they expect the embryos to have 2-4cells. So both our babies are doing sooo well, I couldnt have hoped for better news. If they were wanting to do a three day transfer, well our 8 cell embryo already has the required amount of cells to make it :-) But since they are doing well I think that the scientists and doctors want to keep waiting until Saturday.
For anyone who is interested here is a link for a bit more information about embryos and the cells http://www.ivf.net/ivf/embryo-development-o2591.html
Much easier to read that for me to try and explain it.
I am so much more relaxed now, I am still nervous as hell, but that lil bit of good news is just what me Andrew needed to keep us going.
I will get another call tomorrow to hear more on how the lil ones are doing :-) We may even be lucky enough to get one frozen out of this cycle!! But don't wanna jump the gun too soon, so we will see ;-)
I want to say thank you to everyone who kept us in your prayers or just kept hoping for the best for us. Please keep it up as I truely believe it has made a difference.
I am off to lay in bed as my tummy is cramping badly :-( still not fully recovered from Monday!
Talk soon lovelies xxx

1 Day Past Egg Pick Up, first lot of bad news this cycle :(

Today has not been a good day.
After spending the whole morning waiting anxiously by my phone for the call from the scientists at Life Fertility, to find out how many of my eggs fertilised, it finally rang around 11am.
I answered the phone all excited, to be greeted with a very soft voice that had that horrible underlying tone of sympathy in it. I waited for the news, my heart beating a million miles an hour and praying to God in my head, please let this be good news.
I was informed that the outcome was not as they had hoped or expected. Of the 11 eggs, 7 were mature enough to be fertilised. Fair enough, wasn't expecting them all to be mature. Of those 7 only 2 fertilised. When I heard those words, tears instantly started pouring down my eyes. I sat in a daze as the scientist tried explaining to me that they weren't sure why this had happened but it could be because Andrew's sperm wasn't of the quality they had hoped for, despite doing the ICSI to help it along.
His count was 2.4million (meant to minimum of 20million), Motility was 52% (not bad, lowest is meant to be 40%) but the main problem being the morphology which was 6%, the very minimum they hope for is 15%.
I am dumbfounded at how these results are possible...Andrew has being doing everything in his power to get himself healthy and improve the quality and quantity of his sperm, but yet again it has decreased since his last test. I can only thank god that we have found out about this so early on in our lives, rather then waiting till we are older when my eggs aren't as of good quality and his sperm is on it's very last legs.
People don't understand why we want to do this so young, but when you are faced with infertility and the chance of never being able to conceive, there is no point in wasting a few more years partying or being self absorbed when you know the one thing you want in life is a family. We have been fortunate enough to find out about this now and are able to do something about it while we are still young so we have to grab the opportunity with two hands, rather then wait till we are 30 or something and regret wasting time...
Anyway. At this stage, the scientists say they can not be 100% sure if the sperm is why the eggs did not fertilise but they believe it is the most likely cause. I guess they will find out more in the upcoming days. I do not blame Andrew at all, I know that he will be beating himself up about this. It is not his fault and is out of his control, and I'm sure my eggs would have had something to do with it too. Going through an IVF cycle can sometimes decrease the quality of eggs compared to what they would be normally due all the hormone drugs I need to be on for the cycle to take place. They can cause increased estrogen levels which can affect the eggs. So maybe this also contributed to it. I know that trying to think of more reasons as to why this has happened isn't going to make anything better though. Torturing and blaming ourselves is only going to do harm. No one is to blame, it's just the way it is. If this cycle fails, I can only hope that my doctor has learnt something from it and can fix it next time round....but I am trying not to think about that right now, I have to keep believing that this cycle will work out, for mine and Andrews own good. We can't give up just yet!
This being said, it doesn't make any of it any easier, I just wish we could get more answers sooner.
Words can not describe the pain or worry I am feeling right now. I want to find a black hole and crawl into it and not come out until I hear the news I have wanted to hear for so long.."You're pregant!"
Unfortunately things don't work that easily so I just have to remember that all hope is not lost. Two eggs are fertilised, and while it is not a lot and our chances are strongly decreased, it is still better than none. In the end, all we need is one embryo. At this stage, I am told they are still going to do a 5 day transfer on Saturday, but I am prepared for it to be a 3 day transfer...I don't mind either way, so long as they make it until the transfer day.
I don't know how I am going to distract myself until tomorrow when I find out if they made it over night and have progressed to the next stage or not. I am driving myself crazy with worry. All I can do is keep praying and hoping that everything is going to be ok. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't make us have to go through all this again!!!!!!
Two more hours till Andrew finishes work and is home to give me cuddles, hope that makes me feel a lil bit better.
Hmm, actually feels good to type it out and express my feelings rather then laying in bed bawling my eyes out.
Keep us in your prayers, and everything crossed for us everyone. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day...

Egg Pick Up

Helloooo everybody!!!
Well, today was one of the big days!!! And it went amazingly well. I will start from the beginning :-)
Last night I had one of the worst sleeps ever, I was restless all night and could just not stop thinking about everything that was going to happen today. Would they retrieve enough eggs? What happens if I ovulated early? What happens if I don't wake up from the anesthetic? (stupid that one I know lol but like I said EVERYTHING was going through my mind).  So I was a nervous wreck and got about 2 hours shut eye before I had to get up at 4.30am and start getting ready to be in at the clinic by 6.30am.
Poor Andrew as well, I was in the most horrible of moods and taking all my nerves and anxiety out on him :-( Lucky he is a strong boy and put up with me!! Think it made it a million times worse that I was so tired and am pumped full of hormones at the moment.
Anyway, we got to the clinic right on time and went upstairs to be greeted by one of the scientists that will be looking after my embryo's. She basically just went through some documents and stuff with me and let us know what would be happening that morning. After that, a guy called Peter drove us to St Andrews hospital. When we got there I had to fill out all the administration info (long and boring process). By this stage I thought I may be sick, the butterflies in my tummy were going crazy!
Once this was completed we were carted off to another waiting room where I had to go through my details (yet again) and then go into a room and get my blood pressure and temperature taken and take off all my jewelry for Andrew to look after.
I then had to get changed into my hospital gown. A ginormous and hideous white and blue striped thing lol and two blue material booties! It felt kind of odd walking around with no underwear on and everyone knowing about it! Haha, but I was straight into bed with heated blankets on top of me after that.
So as I was laying there talking to Andrew and thinking that nothing more exciting would happen for awhile, Andrew pulls his keys out and then looks at me with a look of horror on his face. "What?" I say thinking he is just going to be silly and joke about something.
"Babe, your engagement ring has fallen off my keyring!"
At this point in time I was considering getting out of bed and killing him. Instead I said a few words of abuse while him scurried around looking for it in his pockets and bags and everywhere else. I just had to lay there and take nice deep breaths and try not to murder him lol He still couldn't find it so went off to see if he had dropped it any of the waiting rooms. Luckily, he came back with a nurse helping him look for it and SHE found it dropped under the other side of the curtain near someones elses bed.
He is one very very lucky boy. The ring was the engagement ring my father gave to my mother so it isn't just any old engagement ring it has a lot of sentimental value behind it as well. He would of had fun explaining that one to my parents lol
So!! After this charade, my mind had finally been taken off what was a about to happen a bit, I think it was a bit of blessing in disguise, I needed the distraction otherwise I would have worked myself into some kind state.
Not long after, the anesthetist came and saw me and spoke about a few things. I had to put on a hideous blue cap then as well lol Andrew then had to leave :-( He had to be back at the clinic for his 'date with the cup' at 9.30 lolAfter a nice kiss goodbye I was wheeled off on my bed and the butterflies in my tummy had started to return. I was put into some kind of weird room by myself for awhile, had a few more people come and ask me the same questions over and over "full name, date of birth, allergies etc." and then FINALLY I was taken into theater!
Everyone seemed to find it rather amusing how young I was, I had at least 3 people say are you really only 21!! lol
As I was laying on the bed waiting for my doctor to get into the theater room, about 5-6 nurses surrounded me and were poking and jabbing at me all over the place, taking blood pressure and temperature and asking questions. I felt kind of dizzy, it was pretty overwhelming.
The thing that happened next was the worst part of the whole procedure today - getting that catheter/IV drip but into the vein into my hand. It hurt like CRAZY. Tears were welling up in my eyes but lucky my doctor was there to distract me a little bit and try to calm me down! When they put the drugs for anesthetic and whatever else into the drip was when the real pain happened. It felt like I could feel all the medicine running through each of veins and was burning. Not pleasant at all. My doctor said she had the same procedure as me and it was the most painful bit for her as well. It was actually good to know that my doctor knows exactly what I'm going through since she has experienced it all herself.
A mask was put over my face then, and after that the next thing I know I am waking up in a completely different room with a nurse bringing me gross sandwiches and water.
After being in recovery for about an hour, and having my blood pressure and all that checked again, I was able to get changed and the man Peter who dropped me off was back to pick me up :-) The anesthetic actually didn't take too long to wear off, I was drowsy but not going in and out of sleep.
Arriving back at Life Fertility clinic I see Andrew sitting in the waiting room with the most distraught look on his face, he hadn't even realised I had walked in until I went over to him. I ensured him I was all good though and everything went really well! He is so cute hehe :-)
Not too long after I got back, one of the nurses came and retrieved us and we were told that they were able to get ELEVEN!!! eggs!!! I was sooooooo happy, I hadn't had a smile on my face for days but I am still over the moon after hearing this. They originally thought they would only get 8 so hearing they got an extra 3 is the best news we could have hoped for.
I was then giving this gel stuff called Crinone and I have to start using it from tomorrow right up until about half through the 1st trimester. It is to help make a nice healthy lining for the embryo/baby.
The nurse said they will call us tomorrow and let us know how many of the eggs managed to fertilise, usually it is about 50% of what they retrieve but we will just have to wait and see :-) If everything goes according to plan and they fertilise well then they will transfer out future baby back into on Saturday :-)
I am so excited and happy that everything has gone this well so far. I KNOW we are going to have a positive outcome at the end of all this!
I am not home and feel fine, I have pretty horrible cramps but I'm just trying not to move around too much. I also have to keep my fluids and electrolytes up heaps so I'm sipping on lots of hydralyte...lucky I don't mind the taste! Oddly, I am not very tired, but I'm sure once my head hits the pillow I will be out cold. I think it is just the excitement keeping me awake right now.
I am going to ring each day to find out how the little embryos are coming along so I will keep this updated fairly often this week :-)
Bye bye for now xxx