A quick update :-) and no bad news for once lol

Hello lovelies :-)
I haven't written here for awhile (meant to be on a 'break'!) but a couple of things have happened since we decided to have some time off so I thought I would give you all a quick catch up on what's happening.

After the failed frozen embryo transfer my fertility specialist ordered some tests for me to get done - growth hormone, DHEA, and Iodine. Well all came back fine except DHEA. Turns out mine is a 'little bit' low.
When I first found out I was like WTF cause mostly only older women have this problem! DHEA is meant to peak in your 20's! For those of you who don't know what DHEA is, it's basically 'the mother' of all hormones. It pretty much controls all the other hormons (testerone, estrongen etc.) and has a lot to do with egg quality and quantity. Which is why as you get older these things tend to decrease because there isn't as much DHEA being produced.
Anyway, after doing lots of research I'm not too concerned. My specialist has given me a DHEA supplement and put me on the lowest dose (25mg twice a day). I think she may just be covering all bases, and if it's going to improve the quality of my eggs then I'm not complaining! I also found out that DHEA can decrease due to stress so I think that may have something to do with it being slightly low...pretty sure I have been under tremendous stress the last few months!
The DHEA pills have some pretty cool side effects...such a increased libido ;-) (Andrew liked that one lol) but also some scary ones like giving me bad skin!! ahhh!! But it's all for the greater good... :-) I haven't experienced anything yet so lets hope it stays that way!
I've also decided to start taking Royal Jelly (good for fertility, it's what the Queen bee has to make lots baby bees!), coQ10, vitamin C and have two doses of fish oil a day plus my pregnancy vitamin...and I am eating super healthy, so let's hope all this pill popping contributes to a good outcome!

In other news, Andrew another semen analysis done, and for once it wasn't bad news!
His count has gone up to 8.8 million (for our fresh cycle it was only 2.2 mil, should be 20 million minimum)
Motility which is how the sperm moves is 64% (fresh cycle it was 52%, should be 40% minimum)
Morphology which is how the sperm looks was 10% (fresh cycle it was 6%, should be 15% minimum).
As you can see, all his numbers have increased since September which is AWESOME! Unfortunately the the count and morphology aren't where they need to be yet, and his sperm still has antibodies but I don't think they ever go away, but at least it hasn't decreased again which was our worst fear.
Looks like all his hard work is paying off and the vitamins and healthy eating are working for him! It's been exactly one year since he first got tested, and the numbers were far lower than this to start with....so it's taken awhile but he is getting there :-) Hopefully things will continue to improve over time and maybe the count and morphology will one day be where they need to be, if not higher!

Well, that's all there really is to report. We go and see my specialist next Tuesday just to discuss things and let her know when we will be starting up again. At this stage it looks like February. This could possibly mean I'll be cycling without Andrew as he leaves for the army sometime in Feb (still waiting on dates) but I am prepared to do it and I know I will be ok, I still have my family to help me through it all!
I want to give the DHEA a couple of months to take effect before starting again, and this month hasn't exactly been 'stress free' cause we were still getting over the last cycle, but hopefully January will be a nice rest :-) And I'll continue acupuncture in the meantime so it at least feels as though I'm doing SOMETHING, not just sitting around wasting time!

Before I go I just want to share this poem with you all, it really touched me, cried for ages after reading it! Been thinking about our little angel lots lately...I don't think there will ever be a day that I won't think about them. Anyway, enjoy :-) and take care everyone! xoxox

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a Mother

And I know I heard him say…

A mother has a baby

This we know is true.

But, God, can you be a mother

when your baby is not with you?

Yes, you can He replied,

With confidence in His voice.

I give many women babies

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others just for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb,

But there’s no need to stay.

I just don’t understand this God,

I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared His throat

And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say:

“We go to earth to learn our lessons

Of love and life and fear.

My mommy loved me oh so much

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom

Who has so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy Oh so much,

But I visit every day.

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And I whisper in her ear.

Mommy don’t be sad today,

I’m your baby and I’m here.”

So, you see my dear sweet one,

Your children are not blue.

Your babies are here in MY home,

They’ll be at Heaven’s gate waiting for you.

So now you see what makes a mother,

It’s the feeling in your heart.

It’s the love you had so much of,

Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,

Until their time is done.

They’ll be up here with Me one day,

And they’ll know you were the best one!

Time for a break :-)

Hiya lovelies :-)

I am just popping in to let you all know that Andrew and I will be taking a break from the IVF over Christmas time.
We will probably get at it again after the new year but in the mean time we are going to enjoy Christmas. This means I can eat what I want, go where I want, and do whatever the hell I want! Running, swimming, laying in the sun, eating out and lots of seafood....yes please :-) Oh, and don't forget, we can now have sex whenever the hell we feel like it! No more timing, or being told when can and can NOT do it. Woohoo ;-)
We will also be taking some time out to make our relationship stronger.
Unfortunately IVF has taken a huge mental toll on Andrew. It has on me as well, but somehow I haven't reached breaking point yet...however I think if we had kept going over Christmas I would have.
Anyways, this break is going to help get my man nice and strong again :-)
It's odd, I always thought I would be the one to crumble, but it just goes to show that this takes as much out of the guys as it does the girls, even if they don't have to endure the physical side of it. I think sometimes the guys can be easily forgotten about because they aren't constantly shoving drugs down their throats or going to appointments every second day.
I know that Andrew is going to get through this though, and he will be stronger than he ever thought he could be once he does.
I think that IVF can either make or break a relationship, the toll it takes on a couple is massive. It really does test your relationship to it's full extent. Trust, support, love, care and commitment..it's all pushed to the limits at some point throughout this treatment. Even after just going through 2 cycles of IVF I feel as though we are coming close to the end of our tether, I know we won't but it makes me understand why couples who have been going through this for a long time, take months off every so often (even when there's no medical reason they need to do so) rather than keep going cycle after cycle.
I'm sure as hell not going to let IVF break us, the only thing I will let it do is make us the couple that has the relationship that everybody envy's!

Anyhow, I saw my fertility specialist yesterday and she told me she wouldn't have let us go into another cycle over Christmas even if we wanted to, she said we aren't allowed to stress or think about IVF at all until we come back to see her next! So that's exactly what I'm gonna try and do :-)
I'm going to be keeping up the acupuncture, continue eating super healthy as though there is already a bub inside and continue taking vitamins. Hopefully it will make for some nice healthy eggs when it comes time again!
So now that all this is settled, it's time to sit back and relax, enjoy our family and friends, yummy food, and have some nice big smiles on our faces! Yay :-) And also remember everything that we already have to be grateful for, that is very important, and we can't let our want of having baby let us forget that.

So this is goodbye until next year, but in the meantime have a very Merry Christmas, and don't get TOO drunk at new years ;-) haha
Love ya's
xoxox

A Pair of Shoes

"A Pair of Shoes" 

I am wearing a pair of shoes. 

They are ugly shoes. 

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes. 

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. 

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. 

Yet, I continue to wear them. 

I get funny looks wearing these shoes. 

They are looks of sympathy. 

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. 

They never talk about my shoes. 

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. 

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. 

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. 

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. 

There are many pairs in this world. 

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. 

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. 

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. 

No woman deserves to wear these shoes. 

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. 

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. 

They have made me who I am. 

Author Unknown 

Message in a dream

I wish I was writing this blog today with good news but unfortunately I'm not.
Our frozen embryo cycle has come to an end with a negative outcome. Unfortunately our little frostie didn't result in a pregnancy.

I woke up yesterday after having an extremely vivid dream.
In the dream I was at the clinic and my fertility specialist was running tests to find out if I was pregnant or not.
She walked into her room where I was waiting for the results and oddly she was crying. She handed me a piece of paper and in huge black writing were the letters BFN. (BFN stands for big fat negative, a term that is used on pregnancy forums when someone does a pregnancy test and gets a negative result).
In the dream those letters just kept flashing and in the background I could see Andrew breaking down, and then I pretty much woke up.
As soon as I woke I just knew in my heart that I wasn't pregnant. Up until then I hadn't lost any hope but somehow after that dream I just knew it was over.
I told Andrew after I'd gotten up that I was pretty sure I was going to get my period soon and that we need to figure out how we will pay for the next cycle.
I am so glad I had that dream, because if we had waited until Friday for the blood test results then it would have been too late to get the money together and we would have missed out on doing another cycle right away. I truly think that someone was trying to send me a message through that dream so we could get our act together and be prepared for what was to come.
Anyway, I also did a pregnancy test that afternoon to confirm my suspicions , and another this morning. Both were negative. I called the clinic and got my blood test moved forward to today. I didn't see the point in waiting another day and taking all the hormones for no reason.

Surprisingly I'm not too bad. I don't know whether it's because it hasn't set in yet, or because I know there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe preparing myself after last time has also helped.
That being said though, all of this is really taking a lot out of me. It doesn't help when I'm surrounded by pregnant people and people finding out they're pregnant left right and center. It's like god is rubbing it on our faces saying 'haha they have what you want so bad but can't get'. It's bullshit and seems to happen to us at the worst times, but it lets me appreciate just how special that persons baby is. I KNOW how involved even just getting to the pregnant stage is. Hopefully my blog has shown this to some people, allowed them to see just how blessed and fortunate they are and helped give them gift of treasuring every single moment in their child's life even before they are born. Not saying that anyone wouldn't feel like this already, but maybe it's given them that little bit extra when they need it :-)

I can only hope that the next cycle will be our last, I don't know how long we are going to be able to keep funding this. It is fucked up that our dreams are based on how much money we have.
Physically and mentally I have no other choice to keep putting my body through this if we are to get our miracle, I just wish there was some other way that didn't involve pumping me full of hormones and stop me from doing things that help me de-stress like going on long runs!

One day I will find out the reason why this is happening to us, in the mean time all I can do is believe that it is happening for the right reasons, even though that it seems crazy that any of this could possibly be right!
The one thing it has blessed me with though is the security of mine and Andrews relationship, and the belief that we will be able to tackle anything in our relationship after facing IVF. Not many people can say that they have found the love of their life and soul mate, but I know that I have.
And our baby is going to be blessed with a mother and father that planned to bring them onto this planet, and know that they are here for a reason. They will also know that they have a little brother or sister guardian angel watching over them. And a mummy and daddy that have loved them from the day they were just a tiny group of cells forming together!
If that doesn't make for an extremely unique special and lucky child then I don't know what does :-)

This journey is taking a lot longer than what we had originally planned or hoped for, but I guess life's most important journeys do take time, and hell of a lot of strength.

Our frostie baby and the two week wait

Hey everybody :-)

It's been awhile since I wrote so thought I might make a quick update.
Last Monday we had our frozen embryo transfer, and yup the little frostie survived the thaw!!! This embryo is a real little fighter, not many embryos make it to blastocysts, survive freezing and THEN thawing. Not to mention they didn't even think this embryo would make it past day 1! So very proud of our lil bubsicle ;-) We were told that it was still in good condition, and they used assisted hatching on it (once an embryo has been frozen and thawed the outer shell that it's need to come out of so it can implant can sometimes get thicker, so they can help it along with assisted hatching). Our lil bub was already starting to hatch before transfer which was great! 

I still have a bit to wait until my first blood test, and let me tell you, this wait is absolute TORTURE. I thought that it would be easier this time round but it is way harder. Andrew has said no home pregnancy tests this time round either, so holding out and not doing one is driving me crazy!!!
I can't really comment on the symptoms I'm having, they are definitely there, but I am on so many hormone drugs at the moment (more than last time) there is no way of telling what's real and what isn't. 
I had to drop into the clinic yesterday to pick up more meds and I saw my nurse and she said I already the same amount of hormones running through me as a woman who is 3 months pregnant would have! 
That's probably the thing I hate most about this whole process is all the drugs. I wish I was able to just let my body be pregnant naturally and produce its own hormones and not have added ones as well.
The only positive about the drugs is I actually HAVE boobs now lol 

The hardest thing about the two week wait is trying to keep your hopes up and stay positive but also be prepared for the worst. It's a very fine balance. I know that frozen embryos have a slightly lower chance of resulting in a pregnancy, but what I'm really scared of is losing another baby. I don't think anything can prepare you for that, but at least now I'm not completely naive to it.
On the other hand I know that our embryo was in great condition, and I've done everything I can to make my body healthy for this baby. 

So there is still no sign of my period (thank god) which means we're still definitely in the running! Just gotta wait it out....thankfully I went and bought a whole heap of dvds to distract me for this week...last week I finished a 900 page book lol I hate sitting around on my ass doing nothing but I'm not taking any risks over exerting myself! My acupuncturist told me take it as easy as possible so that's exactly what I'm doing :-)

Wish us luck and keep us in your prayers <3
Take care everyone xoxox

Our lil frostie

time goes on, and so we continue on our journey...

Heya everybody :-)
Well, it has been a few weeks since I have written here. I was unsure as to whether or not I would continue this blog as Andrew and I continue on with IVF. Mostly due to the fact that one of the hardest factors about our miscarriage was having to break the horrible news to everyone. But that being said, I don't think I would have gotten through as well as I did without this blog to vent my feelings, and all the love and support I received before and after what happened with our first cycle. I also feel that in years to come this is something that I am going to want to look back on, especially in times when I need that lil bit of extra strength to keep on going....
So with all that taken into consideration I have finally decided to keep writing :-)

After Andrew and I got our tattoos I think I felt a great sense of closure and was ready to move on. It was kind of like saying goodbye, although I know I will never forget, and I am very happy to have something permanently attached to me that will remind me of our little one for the rest of my life.
I think I was very naive as to what could happen going through all this and was not prepared for it at all, but now I am ready for whatever gets thrown our way, good or bad. Or at least I like to think I'm ready! I doubt it will ever get easier if we have to keep having bad news, but at least now I know what to expect if that makes sense....

As for whats happening with IVF at the moment, well, as you may remember we have one little embryo (a 5 day blastocyst) that was able to be frozen. And guess what, it's getting implanted in me this Monday!
Very exciting.
When I first had the miscarriage I didn't think I would be mentally strong enough to go straight into another cycle, I thought I would at least need a month off. But I surprised myself, and now here we are!
After seeing my specialist for the first time after the loss (whom I'm adore because she is so committed and lovely!) I think I felt a lot more at ease cause at least I had some answers as to why things went wrong, and was assured that all hope wasn't lost, and the fact that I actually fell pregnant to start with is a very good sign!
This cycle has been so much more relaxed (physically). I have only had to visit the clinic twice and have 2 scans. The first scan I started a drug called Progynova which is basically estrogen and I take it three times a day. It helps to thicken up the lining of the uterus....and then my last scan which was last Wednesday I have started these disgusting progesterone pessaries...exactly the same thing as the crinone gel I had to use last time..not sure why my specialist decided to swap..I think they end up being cheaper? Which is good cause for $100 a pop and having to use them right until the end of the first trimester I will take the cheapest thing!
Anyhow, frozen embryo transfer cycles are kind of confusing....I won't ovulate this cycle but those drugs I just mentioned make my uterus nice and cosy for an embryo to implant into and trick my body into thinking it's time to fall pregnant.
I have also been told my acupuncturist and my specialist that because I have just been pregnant my body is in "baby mode" so that's a really good thing, and hopefully means the embryo will stick.
Our only real concerns at this time are our embryo surviving the thaw on Monday, and then after that hoping that this embryo doesn't have the same chromosome problems with it as the last one did.

I could go on forever about all this but I won't...it's confusing enough for me to hear when I'm going through it myself let alone me trying to explain it to others lol
I still have a lot of hope for this cycle, but at the same time I'm not going to beat myself up if something does go wrong or if I don't fall pregnant. I am now FULLY aware that there is many areas for things to go belly up with IVF, and dwelling on it doesn't help in the slightest. We are just going to keep fighting for this until we get it.
When you have never been more sure about anything in your entire life, there's no time for second guessing or doubting yourself. You can't ever give up on your dreams.

Take care everyone,
I will let you know how it all goes on Monday :-)
xxxx

P.s In other news, my beautiful fiancee Andrew got accepted into the army!!! He goes away for his basic training for 3 months in Feb next year! Very exciting... just thought I'd share cause I'm so extremely proud of him! :-)

The final chapter of our first IVF/ICSI cycle

For our Little One

A Rose is the the birth flower for June which is when you would have came into this world. We know you would have been amazingly beautiful, but like this rose you were not able to bloom and show the world your full potential. The stem of my rose is like butterfly wings which is the symbol for unborn babies flying to heaven. I know you are up there watching over us.

Now you will always be by my side Little One. Never forgotten and forever loved ♥

Hilary

Andrew